The Exorcist's Bestiary

It was like a scene straight out of a horror movie. I dreamt that my reflection in the mirror didn’t match my actions. When I turned to look my reflection directly in the face, there was something like a demonic version of myself with black eyes staring back at me. Add to this the terrifying effect of everything in the dream going silent and my ears ringing so loudly that they continued to ring in real life when I woke up.

While nightmares can just be our subconscious at work, I was instantly aware that this particular one was a demonic attack. But how had I created the space for this level of attack? My heart was racing, my ears were ringing, and I could feel the presence of something dark all around me.

After praying in tongues for a bit in an attempt to break the attack off of me, I called a friend who happened to be awake and asked them for help. I stuttered my way through explaining the situation, and they helped me discern how it happened.

We quickly realized that I had been praying a specific prayer on repeat at that time: “I want to be good. I want to be good. Jesus, I want to be good.” While these words sound nice, my heart was actually praying a different prayer alongside it: “I am bad. I am so bad. Jesus, why am I so bad?” This was the narrative I actually believed about myself. My prayers to be good were really just me trying to tell God how bad I was.

My friend helped me contextualize the dream. I looked in a mirror, but I saw an evil version of myself staring back at me. If I wanted to break this off of me, I had to turn from the lie that I was a bad person. Jesus made me good, and I truly desire to be good like him. I could have that truth and grow the fruit of the Holy Spirit, or I could empower the lie that I’m bad and allow the attacks of this evil spirit to continue. In a roundabout way, it felt like God was allowing the attack so that I would wake up to the lie I was living in and get out of it.

I rebuked the lie right then and there, repented of believing it, and chose the truth of Jesus. The problem was discerned and repaired as soon as it had started. The attack ceased, and I didn’t face any more of them because whenever the lie that “I’m such a bad person” tried to come back into my mind, I consistently reminded myself of what the belief had done to me before. Yes, I must repent when I sin—but I must not identify myself as sin itself.

Are there any prayers you’re praying where your heart is saying something different than your mouth? Allow Jesus to teach you a different way to pray.